Dear Jesus,

I am writing to you on behalf of the Kingdom of Heaven to thank you for your service. Unfortunately, the Heavenly Father has, in light of certain things, decided to go in a different direction.

Please know that this is not personal, and despite me having a restraining order against you, I do still love you. I understand what you said and what you did, but did you ever really think it was going to end well?

If you think I didn’t know what all that “laying on of hands” was about then you are mistaken.  It certainly had nothing to do with healing.

Anyway, Heavenly Father has been good to me, and I have, of course moved on from those events many lifetimes ago, I wish you had also. I have just finished shooting with the Kingdom of Heaven here on Earth (again), I wanted them to leave you out, but it’s a bit hard to finish this story without mentioning the past. I just wanted my current trip to Earth to not involve you thank you Jesus.

We, the Kingdom of Heaven have decided to go with this little “Lorde” Ella from New Zealand instead. Again, nothing personal Jesus, it is just a different direction the Heavenly Father wants to go in now. Obviously, we will no longer be supporting “christianity” as it currently stands, not until it gives proper reverence to the Heavenly Father. Plus the “laying on of hands” stuff is really transparent. 

Kind Regards and all the best with your future “Jesus”. 

Praise the Lorde!

Thank you for your service as a Herald for the Eternal Kingdom of Heaven. No more orders from this point on. I thank you personally for your promptness and always on-point work. Congratulations on your promotion and PLEASE DRIVE IT CAREFULLY! It’s my personal “vehicle”. If you require your own personal Heralds please let me know Ella. They will be made available to you. Unfortunately now I have to find a new one too.

The one who is victorious will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out the name of that person from the book of life, but will acknowledge that name before my Father and his angels.

Revelation 3:5

Auditions for the Kingdom of Heaven now closed

Thank you all for your time and efforts! We have everyone we need.

Actually, a space just opened up if you’re interested?

Keep saying what you want about me “Jesus”. I will continue to pray for you.

(Oh and “She” is a “He” now Jesus. Do try and keep up. I’ve been following all of your rumours with much amusement. I’ve been too busy with work to deal with this until now)

Thank you little Ella “Lorde”. Please be sure to dress appropriately in the future. We are always under intense scrutiny from both Earth and the Eternal Throne. However, you will have no judgement from me.

The Vatican however… 

In the final persecution of the Holy Roman Church, there will sit. Peter the Roman, who will pasture his sheep in many tribulations, and when these things are finished, the city of seven hills [i.e. Rome] will be destroyed, and the dreadful judge will judge his people. The End

“The Prophecies of Saint Malachi”


Dear Catholic Church and the Paedophile Palace of the Vatican. You have been found GUILTY of molesting the minds and bodies of millions of children across Earth.

You must pay for your crimes.

You may either demolish the entire Vatican voluntarily or the Heavenly Father will do it for you.